189 The truth of her birth III
Miriam.
It’s been two weeks since I came back to the Moon Temple with an empty womb and a heart heavier than I’d ever known.
The stillness of the temple at all times which used to ground me in such a way I couldn’t understand, broken occasionally only by the soft rustling of robes or the distant chant of prayers had now become a prison to me.
I was the secret, trapped in a prison and the only people who knew were my wet pillow each night and my conscience. I couldn’t believe I was a mom – well a half–mom actually but that experience changed my life in ways I never expected.
Each day felt heavier than the last – my belly was still round and protruded. I was still too tired from carrying another human for nine months and still forced to get on with my life like nothing just happened.
Of course, no one noticed since I returned in Spring and we were always at our busiest at this time of the year because a lot of special flowers, herbs and seeds are found at this time. I simply went out of my way and kept myself away from unnecessary interactions.
Except for Terra my bosom friend, Mother Liora and the other priestesses who were Mother Liora’s closest friends no one else knew.
For instance, at the morning Assembly today when I was asked to lead the e prayers, had recited a ritual prayer instead of the prayers designed to kickstart our day. Superior Priestess Diana’s eyes had narrowed on me as she assessed me from head to
toe.
“Miriam,” she called out coldly. “You look… different. Sluggish in your movements, forgetful and fat. Is there something you wish to share?”
My breath caught in my throat, my heart pounding in panic as I tugged at my uniform, stretching the already–stretched fabric. The pregnancy had made me add a lot of” weight on my hips and chest.
Although the midwife had prepared a special routine for me to follow to lose the baby fat, she had told me it was a gradual process. Everyone was staring at me in the hall, especially Jemimah who had a smirk on her face.
“Miriam?” she called out impatiently again.
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189 The truth of her birth
“I’m sorry, Mother!” I muttered.
“I didn’t ask for an apology,” she responded, her voice was filled with frustration. “T simply want an explanation as to why you’re looking out of place from all the girls in the temple. Your uniform is too tight, your face is round and are those dark circles I see around your
your eyes?”
I opened my mouth, looking for an explanation but no words came out. Before the silence could become suspicious, Mother Liora intervened.
“The little self–discovery trip I sent her on must have been harder on her than I thought,” she said giving me a reassuring glance. “It’s not uncommon for children to go outside this pack and come back looking the same. Think of all the overly processed
food and all…” Mother Liora said.
There was a murmur of agreement and the conversation turned to something else but I felt Priestess Diana still looking at me.
At night, I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. My baby wasn’t inside me anymore, but my body hadn’t accepted that truth yet. My belly was still soft and rounded and my muscles still ached with the strain of carrying a child that was no longer there. I turned onto my side, clutching my blanket tightly and cried myself to sleep.
In the days that followed, I was living in hell. Mornings were the cruellest. I would wake up and my hands would instinctively move to cradle the bump that was no longer there. Most times when I bend to pick something up. I would catch myself dropping to my knees first just like how it had done when I was still pregnant.
My breasts were still swollen painfully and hard as stone and still leaking milk. Despite all the herbs the midwife had given me to stop it, it still rushed out. Every morning, I would pad my breast with several clothes to hide the milk stain and for the entire day, I would be conscious of myself.
Most times, the pain would be unbearable and I would have to sneak back to my room and nurse my swollen breasts. I became an expert at hiding my tears and my pain. I would excuse myself under the pretence of needing solitude for prayer, only to sit in the corner of my small room, rocking myself and sobbing into my hands.
The contractions were the worst. In between carrying out my duties, my womb would squeeze in pain and I would gnash my teeth, clamping down on it waiting for the moment to pass.
By the second month, I started hearing baby cries.
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189 The truth of her birth !!!
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when the sound of a crying baby filled my ears. It was filled with desperation and judgment. I stumbled out of my room, searching the hall for the source. Instead, I met Priestess Tania.
“Miriam!” she held my hand; she must have seen the wild desperation in them. “What’s wrong with you dear? It’s after lights out. What are you doing walking about?”
“My baby!” I murmured, trying to move away from her hold. “She’s crying, I need to get to her.”
“Oh, Moon,” Priestess Tania exhaled, looking sideways to make sure there was no one in the hallway but us. She dragged me to my room and a moment later, she came back
with Mother Liora and Priestess Khaliah.
Both women tried to calm my racing heart and the endless cries that were ringing in my ears until I eventually drifted into sleep. When I woke the next morning, I saw Mother Liora sitting at the edge of my bed, staring at me.
“Mother!” I murmured pushing myself up.
“How do you feel?” she asked me, touching my forehead.
“I’m fine!” I nodded giving her a puzzled expression. “What are you doing here?”
She avoided my gaze. “I know you’re suffering Miriam, and you feel guilty but if you keep this up, everything will be exposed. There’s a limit to the excuses I can give for you. Everyone has noticed that something is not right and I would like for it not to go beyond that?”
I drew my knees under my chin. “What did I do again, mother?”
“You were roaming the hallway last night looking for your baby. Thankfully, it was priestess Tania who saw you. Are you taking the medications the midwife recommended?”
I nodded hanging my head.
“You must try, Miriam. I’m sorry that I cannot understand how it is with you but you have duties that are suffering. You’ve been distracted for too long and I’m not sure how long we can hide it. It’s the second month already… please, Miriam…”
I lowered my gaze, “I’m sorry, Mother. I’ll do better.”
Mother Liora reached out, placing a hand on my trembling fingers. “You’ve been through a great deal, child. I understand that. But you must find strength from within and move on. We’re the light in the darkness for our people. You cannot carry this
180 The truth of her birth III
I nodded silently.
But the cries didn’t stop there. It happened again the next night and the next and at random times during the day but I learnt to live with it.
By the third month, guilt became my constant companion.
I would wake up in the middle of the night and stroll into the woods, surrounding the temple. There, under the stars, I would fall to my knees and weep. I kept seeing my baby in my dreams. Tiny hand reaching out for me, crying for me not to let go.
Every night, the same scene played out again and again. The scene where the midwife would pick the baby from the bassinet and leave the room. Then the other scene where I had held her and felt her little heartbeat against mine.
And how she had immediately stopped crying when I held her, cooing softly. The guilt was suffocating. How could I have abandoned my child? How could I live with myself, knowing I had chosen duty over motherhood?
A few nights later, I returned to the temple after one of my midnights walk. My robes were damp from the morning dew and my cheeks had dried off with tears. I found myself standing in front of the Moon Altar, the sacred space where the priestesses performed their most important rituals.
The moonlight streamed through the little hole above the roof. I sank to my knees, my hands clasped tightly in prayer.
“Moon Goddess,” I whispered with a trembling voice. “I have failed. I have failed you, my child and myself. I don’t know how to carry this pain anymore.”
I bowed my head in grief, crying out all the pain I felt inside. When no answer came, I rose slowly, my legs shaking beneath me. For the first time in my life, the Moon Temple felt like a prison.
That was when I knew I couldn’t stay.
