Chapter 14
Betty
I dragged the contractor’s trash bag out to the garbage cans by the road. It had taken me half the day to not only clean up the mess I had mada when I fell through the ceiling, but to also dust and vacuum the room. Thad stripped the bed and now had the sheets and blankets in the washer
i trudged back into the house and kicked off my boots. I quickly checked on Lucy and Naria before I trudged upstairs to the bathroom, and peeled off my clothes for a shower.
The full–length mirror on the back of the door was my nemesis. When I had more energy, I sometimes hung a towel over it, so I wouldn’t have to see
I I my own naked body every time I needed a bath
Nobody wanted to look at that, not even me.
Raphael was the only person who had ever thought I was pretty. I don’t know why he ever found a short, chubby, buxom girl attractive, but he did. And for those few years, when I saw myself through his eyes, I felt different. I felt nexy I felt desirable. I felt loved.
That illusion was thoroughly shattered when he left. He hadn’t loved me enough to stay with me. Or to bring me with him. Or to even ask me to wait for him. “It’s over, Beth! It was good while it lasted, but life is taking me in a different direction now, Just accept it
His words haunted me like ghosts, even now.
And of course, Gabriel had never approved of my body in his profession, women had a certain look, and I didn’t fit in. He had always pushed me to lose weight, to exercise more. He even sent me to get a spray on tan once.
I turned on the shower and stuck my hand under it, waiting for the water to get warm enough.
Let’s face it, having a baby hadn’t done anything to improve my figure. Now I had even more stretch marks, bigger boobs with bigger *****, a belly roll, and thighs that rubbed together. And none of the diets I tried, none of the shakes, the starvation, the embarrassing hours in the gym had done anything to improve my shape.
I was a pasty white dumpling.
Why did I ev
even care? I would have sworn that I’d made peace with my body. But having Raphael back in my life, however brief and transient that involvement might be, had me facing all my shortcomings all over again,
How pathetic!
When I had scrubbed away the dust and shampooed my hair, I stepped out into the steamy bathroom, I walked over to the fogged up mirror and drew a happy face on the glass
At least Lucy didn’t care what I looked like. She didn’t see fat or frumpy, she just saw mommy. Once she becomes a teenager, she might be embarrassed to be seen with me, so I had better embrace these days of sweet, nonjudgmental innocence.
I wrapped a towel around my wet body and walked down the hallway to my bedroom- Gabe’s old bedroom. I didn’t have any sentimental attachment to Gabe’s space, it was simply the room Nana Charlie had assigned me when I needed a place to stay. She had happily converted the small guest room next to Gabe’s into a room for Lucy as soon as she was born. It was decorated in shades of pink and green and baby blue, full of toys and books and other material manifestations of a grandmother’s love.
By contrast, I hadn’t changed anything in Gabe’s room, except to hang my clothes in the closet and put my things on his dresser. Even though I’d been living here for more than a year, I still felt like I was trespassing in his room.
I put on some clean clothes. I still sewed all my own clothes, and Lucy’s too. But unlike my strict, religious parents. I tried to copy the latest fashions to that Lucy wouldn’t stand out from her friends
I didn’t want her to feel like she was a freak, the way i did when I was a girl, when my parents forced me to wear plain, homemade clothes, in accordance with the strict religious community I was raised in.
I stepped out and glanced into the room across the hall. Cleaning in there, touching all Raphael’s things, had really stirred up a lot of memories. He had swooped into my life when I was only fifteen. He was my first and only boyfriend. He had been my whole life, right up until I was nineteen.
I shouldn’t be bitter about the fact that he left me, because he had left behind something even more precious,
My precious Lucy.
Shutting the door to the room, I hoped that Rafe would not come back any time soon. It was neat and clean now, but the huge ragged hole in the
Chister 14.
ting could not be ignored.
Downstairs, Lucy and Charlie were playing Candyland, Lucy had out–grown the board game, but it was one of the few games Charlie could still play without assistance I smiled fondly at the two of them and then went back to my sewing room on the back enclosed porch.
My breath escaped from my mouth in little clouds of white as I switched on the little ceramic heater. It was barely enough to take the chill out of the room, but it kept my feet from going numb..
Work was dwindling as we grew closer to Christmas. I had a sut to mend, a dress that needed to be let out a size, and a christening gown for Miranda Murphy’s baby girl. I also had some scrap fabric that I hoped to turn into a cute party dress for Lucy. Nobody liked getting clothes for Christmas, but this year, it was the best I could do.
I I I
s busy on the mending project when I was startled by a light knock on the door. I jumped and narrowly avoided pricking my finger with the needle. Itwisted around to see Raphael lounging in the doorway.
God, he still looked too good to be true. He wore a pair of black designer label jeans that hugged his narrow hips, and a button–down flannel shirt, with the sleeves rolled up over his muscular forearms.
“Sorry to startle you” he said, without a smile. His eyes were traveling over my sewing studio with a look of disapproval “Lucy let me in.”
“Oh,” I couldn’t think of what to say. I was going to have a word with Lucy about letting strangers into the house. Not that Rafe was a stranger. And, well, technically, it was kind of his house, too.
Is this your business?” he asked, walking in and picking up the unfinished white baby gown
“Um, yes.” I said. feeling self–conscious, and fighting the urge to snatch it away from him.
“That’s good. You always had a talent for it. Did you ever go to that fashion design school?”
I felt my cheeks growing hot and red. “No. I had Lucy and, well, I couldn’t pay for it anyway” His dark brows drew together. “Why didn’t Gabe pay the tuition?”
“He said it was too much I admitted grudgingly. I tried to straighten my shoulders. I didn’t want to talk about that, not with anyone, but especially not with Raphael. “Why are you here?” I grimaced as the question sounded rude and blunt. I’m sorry I quickly apologised. Is there something I can help you with?”
“Pizza” he said smoothly, T’m here to take you all out for pizza.”
When I only stared at him blankly, he added, 1 promised Lucy, remember?”
“Oh. I thought “Well, frankly, I just thought he was being polite.
“Please,” he said, flashing me that charming one-dimple smile. Td Eke to take mom out too, but I’m not sure exactly what she needs with her condition. I’d feel a lot better if you would come with us.”
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He turned and walked back into the house, utterly confident that I would agree.
Lucy was already struggling with her coat and boots. “Hey Mommy! Uncle Rafe is taking us to Dynamo’s for Pizza! He said we can play the games
“Wow” I said faintly I didn’t want to put a damper on her enthusiasm. That’s really great about uncle Rafe.”
